The Gut Check

At various times in your life, you have to stop and evaluate what you're doing and why. The start of my "In Training" self-improvement process began for that reason, and for 60 days things went along pretty much according to plan. In the last 30 days, the plan has been derailed a bit, so I decided it was time for a gut check to figure out what's going wrong and fix it before it gets worse.

Before you worry too much, rest assured I have not packed back on the pounds I've lost - at least not all of them. At various times I've been anywhere from 2-5 lbs higher than my top loss of 27 lbs. But I haven't gained any ground either, and I was hoping to be 30 lbs lighter by now.

More importantly, I'm starting to struggle with motivation, which is the part I'm worried most about. So I had to ask myself some tough questions about why this is happening. Is something wrong with me? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I just making excuses because things are getting harder?

I really believe that working hard and giving your best effort is the key to success in pretty much any endeavor. IF you can honestly say you gave it you all had - left everything on the field, the ice, the table, or whatever your surface of choice is - and it still didn't work, then you failed honestly and you learn from it. If not, you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself why you didn't give it all. Then you refocus and get back to work. There's no point in hiding, because the only person you defeat is yourself.

So did I give it everything I had in the last 30 days and failed anyway? Not even close. I abandoned my food diary. I know what to eat, right? It's just one more thing to update every day, and I'm already too busy. OK, maybe not. I'm also a stress eater, and things got more stressful at work this month. My personal schedule is busier. Christmas is coming up, and I have gifts to figure out and order. I need to finish making travel plans for Toronto in January. I have 3 hockey games this week. And the list goes on....

But at the end of the day, these are all just excuses. Dates and times of scheduled events are known quantities, and I can plan around them. Exercise is a great stress buster. And I am tremendously organized, so Christmas should be cake. But I didn't think this way at all. Instead, I let all these things become barriers. I got complacent. I thought I "earned" a break here and there from workouts because I was pressed for time. I didn't want to get worn down and get sick with all the cold and flu bugs going around the offices I'm visiting. So I gave it less than everything, and I failed with no one to blame but myself.

But I'm also learning how to forgive myself. I am a perfectionist by nature, and I hate to fail, so not beating myself up when I do is a challenge for me. But it's one I'm going to embrace. Because falling off the horse hurts, but being afraid to get back on hurts more. So here's my summary for the month:

Things I Learned
I still lose focus too easily
I need sleep and I don't get enough
I stress out easily, which makes me hold onto weight
I start to panic if the scale goes the wrong direction, even for a day

Things I Know
I have a lot to work on
I am strong enough to do this
I will not give up
I will leave it all on the table
When I do, I will win.

Time to get back on the horse...