Lessons Learned From The ER

Ever since my trip to the emergency room for my mysterious and (so far) temporary heart short circuit, I’ve been thinking a lot.  Some of that thinking had me reflecting back on the experience as I’ve told and re-told the story to friends who have been checking on me.  I certainly had plenty of time to think about lots of things during my 5 hour wait to see a doctor.

This whole experience left me dealing with a lot of emotions that were (and still are) pretty uncomfortable.   I felt embarrassed and ashamed for not taking better care of myself and having to admit that to people.  For a person with great health insurance, I've done a lousy job using it so far.  I've hated doctors my whole life, and now I've learned the hard way that avoiding them isn't a great long term plan.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up and do the right thing even if it's not fun.

I felt lonely sitting in that emergency room.  As many of my friends reminded and chastised me after, it didn't need to be that way.  They would have come had I called them.  So why didn't I call?  Partly because I've always been proud of my independence.  I've been doing things on my own for so long, it's not a natural instinct to ask someone for help first.  But if I'm being honest, it's was also largely the embarrassment I was feeling, plus the fact that I hate having anyone see me cry if I can avoid it.

But the worst part of the experience was feeling fragile for the very first time in my life.  Whenever I've been sick with a cold or the flu, I knew it would just take rest, medicine and time and I'd get better.  The few times in my life I've been in emergency rooms before this were broken bones as a kid.  You put a cast on those, give them time to heal and everything is normal again.  This was the first time in my life I honestly wasn't sure I would be okay, and it scared the hell out of me.    Even though I know now what happened to me isn't likely to be life-threatening, that new feeling of living on borrowed time is still there.

Dealing with these negative emotions hasn't been as easy process, but the silver lining is that it's left me feeling more grateful than anything.  The support from my friends was, and continues to be nothing short of amazing.   Some of them wrote or called me and shared experiences of their own that mirrored mine.  In some cases, their friends or family members were the ones impacted.  Turns out this kind of condition is more common than I ever knew, and the more my friends shared their insights, the less embarrassed, alone and fragile I felt. 

I still catch myself mentally "checking" my heart rate from time to time when something doesn't feel perfect, and I'm still committed to following up with a doctor and taking better care of myself in general.  But I'm no longer afraid of what the future holds, because I am living on borrowed time.  We all are.  Better take the time I have left and make the most of it...